A is for Aphasia. Or rather Degenerative Primary Progressive Nonfluent Aphasia. A is for ABC, the elementary system whose predictability creates order in our lives. A is for chaos when the rules of our arbitrary language no longer apply but are lost.
After reading Olivia’s blog post I was left pondering the notion of how past events in our lives form us into who we evolve into. Which also made me realize, that even the quote on quote bad things that happen to us serve a positive purpose in the process of becoming our own entity, which in my case completely formed me into who I am today.
I believe in the puissance of words. No, this isn’t a mantra of my signature word nerd persona nor a kiss ass statement considering I’m within the confines of an English classroom. Rather, the brink of this notion stems from the wide-eyed 13 year old me trying to comprehend these 5 measly and insidious words: DEGENERATIVE PRIMARY PROGRESSIVE NON-FLUENT APHASIA. Ironically, a mouthful evincing that my grandmother would steadily and forever lose her ability to communicate on all levels.
At first I didn’t think too much of it. I mean, it was just words…or so I thought. The beginning stages of this debilitating disease brought upon new challenges such as the loquacious and independent woman that I had always idolized would need a companion with her at all times. I became her grocery shopping buddy for when she looked down at the list that was written for her and she articulated “grab Lauren apples those” I knew she really meant Lauren grab those potatoes. Additionally, I became her translator, such as when she would irritatingly repeat microphone over and over again, but the word she was so desperately trying to communicate was microwave. Similarly, the daily phone calls from my grandmother became less and less frequent, the letters she would randomly send us shortened from essays to an irrational sentence or two, and even more frightening the names of her beloved family members seemed to escape her mouth as if they were in the tongue of a foreign language. Yet, I did not realize the severity nor the impending doom that was just commencing until this moment; when she received a phone call from an out of town friend who without understanding the state of her rapidly deteriorating condition fired question after question waiting for my grandmother’s gift of gab to kick in. However, those days were over and in frustration of not being able to get the words out she slammed the phone down and in a stuttering utterance screamed,” waa waaa woo worr words!” As I witnessed my grandmother cry for the first time in my existence I made this simple promise: that for every word she lost, I would gain one. This actually was the inspiration behind my word nerd status whilst in high school. For I recited the pledge every morning and left the student body with a different adjective every morning to describe the day I’d hope they would have. My friends usually jest or poke fun at the word nerd that I am, but what they never really knew was that this was one of the multifarious ways that I found to positively deal with the most heart-wrenching situation that I have ever dealt with in my mere 18 years of existence.
As my grandmother’s silence consumed my family, my mother’s stifled cries in the wee hours of the morning were what really broke my heart. Unable to sleep with her weeping echoing throughout the halls and without a confidant to vent to at 3 in the morning, I found refuge in the very thing that caused our sorrow: words. Or more directly, writing. For as stated by the late Anne Frank, “Paper has more patience than people and I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.” Moreover, even though my soul and raw emotions bled onto the pages, my wounds were temporarily healed by the coagulating power of words.
Still, the nightmare of a situation that became our lives would only worsen as the years ticked by. At the end of year 3/ beginning of year 4, and the dreaded year 5 of this disease my grandmother had not only lost her words, but had completely lost herself as she became the literal definition of the walking dead. She was no longer able to be left by herself, the tables had officially turned and I along with my family had to take shifts watching her. Babysitting my grandmother was no easy task for it usually entailed me straddling her for 5 hours as she bit, punched, even throwing me down a flight of stairs every once in awhile, fighting her to keep her clothes on, making sure she made it to the bathroom and pushing numerous medications down her throat. With the added stress of school, playing 2-3 sports per season, working, clubs, honor societies, community service and never having the time to gain the sufficient number of hours of sleep, I was not only exhausted physically and mentally, but also emotionally. This is where my true love for quotes flourished, because sometimes in the bleak situation that would never become ameliorated I yearned for hope, laughter, or sometimes a cynical sentiment to get me through these seemingly unbearable times. And, when I thought no one else could comprehend the unbearable strain of my situation I found, even though it was through words of people I had never met nor would never meet, that someone could perfectly articulate exactly what my heart was fighting to proclaim.
In the wise words of Muriel Barbery, “pity the poor in spirit who know neither the enchantment nor the beauty of language.” Meaning, I believe that too often we all take for granted one of the most imperative attributes of the human condition: language. For without it, no other discipline could be remotely possible nor could daily life as we know it exist. Thus, I believe in the puissance of words, for words truly are the sole connection of humanity.
Thus, as Olivia brought up in her blog post, “Unless we are solely concerned with the mechanical and formal properties of language, sooner or later we have to start dealing with the relationship between words and their referents, or between literature and ‘the outside world’” (Moran 19). Basically, every situation that we face in life has a tremendous impact on who we grow to become.