“So What?”

Thursday night my long-time boyfriend’s grandma was admitted into the hospital. She has suffered from Alzheimer’s for about 4 years and ever since she was diagnosed the doctors had said, “It won’t be long until she passes.” Yet she is still alive, in a vegetative state, but alive – as my boyfriend has been a primary care-taker for her along side his grandfather for years. She was admitted because she started having seizures uncontrollably and will now reside in the hospital until her inevitable death. That’s it. That will be the end of her story. So very similarly to the thought about the “-” between dates on a grave, that small dash is a representation of our “So what,” of our interdisciplinarity.

Now I don’t mean to be a downer but an event like this offers a new perspective. We as beings, as archives, develop through the many disciplines that we come in contact with throughout our lives. We grow and learn through the absorption of these many disciplines. We live our lives as walking archives, creating meaning from our experiences – our “so what.” So what does my college GPA really mean? Why does skipping a class in order to revive my mental health in the whirl-wind that is the end of the semester, matter? Similar to Deagan’s post, what will the few slips that we as college students, as humans, have mean in the “real world?”

My boyfriend’s grandma is being given a medicine that is 7 times the strength of morphine – a medicine that the doctors are saying should have stopped her heart immediately. Today is day 4 that she has been on the medication, still alive, still pumping. Her brain is failing, as well as her body, but her heart is one of the strongest hearts the doctors have ever seen. Isn’t that the “so what?” That is her “so what.” Not that I am attempting to compare a terminally ill individual to everyday struggles that we  as individuals go through, but I am. It’s all just a metaphor. We go through times where we have pushed ourselves to the absolute limit – body, mind, and soul. And for what? For the wrong reasons more often than not. More often than not I find myself pushing for the 4.0 and A’s that I have strived for since I was in kindergarten. But why? Why do I do this to myself? Because for some unknown reason I have it engrained in my brain that a high GPA means that you’re successful. No test or grade will ever amount to the strength of our heart or character. No test or grade will ever amount to the determination, long sleepless nights, and sacrifices we have made to try to fit this idea of success that is asked of us.

Of course this doesn’t mean I’m going to throw studying and grades out the window, but I have come to be able to find a sort of peace with the handful of bad grades I’ve received. At my previous college, during my first year, I was diagnosed with Mono and I had it for a year. The doctors told me to take it easy but I couldn’t – I slept for 17 hours a day so that I would have the strength to climb a flight of stairs to class. I did not miss one class. I’m beginning to be able to forgive myself for being sick, or tired, or challenged when it comes to academe. I’m beginning to understand that my health and life in general needs to come before school sometimes. I don’t want to be remembered for the numerical value that represented my success in college. I want to be remembered for my strong heart, my determination, my stubbornness, my work ethic. None of which can be defined by a number.

So when I am in a similar position, one day, of my boyfriend’s grandma, the dash on my grave will still be there but it will mean something different. In the grand scheme of things, when it comes to the most crucial points in your life, it will be your character and heart that you will be remembered by. I don’t know my boyfriend’s grandmothers GPA. I do know that she was one of the most knowledgeable people ever. I do know that she had traveled throughout the U.S. having experiences I wish I can once have, absorbing the  many disciplines that reside in each experience. I do know that when she does pass, she will be remembered for all the great things, never the miniscule things. That is her “so what.” Her story and character is her “so what.” And as I continue my journey through life and college, I will aspire to keep finding my own “so what” – to keep finding the interdisciplinary moments that make me, me. I will continue to learn how to roll with the punches and to value the more tangible things in life. And when my boyfriend’s grandma does pass, I will tell the story of how amazingly strong her heart was.

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