Blogs and Anxiety

As a biology student, I have learned that there is a right and a wrong way of understanding something.  I read textbooks to memorize different cycles, reactions, and functions until I know them well enough to explain them to another person or I can repeat them on a test.  Although this can sometimes seem frustrating, I love biology.  I love learning the mechanisms of how proteins move across the cell, or how birds evolved from dinosaurs, or how our brains can even understand anything at all — everything happens because of a specific chemical reaction, one that can be seen and understood.  Unfortunately, this means there is very little room for interpretation — the reaction, the function, or the placement in the phylogenetic tree that is taught by the professor is the way how it should be answered on a test, and if it’s not, it’s wrong. As a scientist I’ve learned that it’s important to question things when it comes to research, but not when studying for a test.

I think that studying this way for so long has caused me to be anxious of ever being wrong.  I am terrified that if I do not immediately understand something that I could be seen as unintelligent or that I will be judged by someone else.  I am constantly afraid of saying something incorrectly or asking a “stupid” question, so unless I’m positive I know what I am doing, I feel more comfortable not asking for help and instead I try to figure things out for myself. Consciously, I am able to recognize that this is a very toxic way of thinking, especially if I have never been exposed to the subject before.  Why should I expect myself to immediately understand something, especially if I’m learning something new? Even though I realize I am only hurting myself in the long run by not asking for help, it’s hard for me to admit that I don’t know how to do something, especially if it seems like it comes easily for other people.

While watching the video on a Growth versus a Fixed Mindset in class, I realized that I’m stuck in a Fixed Mindset with regards to my writing and interpretations of texts while writing a blog post.  Reading posts written by my peers can sometimes feel discouraging, because they’re eloquently written with interpretations that I may not have picked up. If I did not interpret something the same way as someone I immediately assume that what I thought while reading was wrong, so then try and write something different, or I avoid writing and instead try to figure out a different interpretation, but nothing feels like the “right” answer.  I have not had much experience writing like this before, so sometimes it’s difficult for me to articulate my thoughts while reading.

Now that I have a name for the anxiety I have been experiencing while writing, it has helped me to be consciously aware of what I have been doing to avoid writing and how I can overcome my anxiety.  With practice, I will get better with my writing. It has helped to recognize that although my interpretations may be different than someone else’s it does not make it wrong, it just means that we are different people that experienced something different while reading a text.  I know that it may be challenging, but I am determined to learn and think with a Growth Mindset.

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