Feeling behind can be discouraging, but that is how I felt in the beginning of the semester. Transferring into the English major as a junior, and missing the first class did not help. I knew that I liked writing, but I also knew that there have been professors who don’t like my writing style. When the blog post project came up in discussion, I was nervous because of how public my writing would have to be. My confidence in sharing my work and ideas to other students in my class was low, and the thought of posting it online was almost unsettling. I was worried that my ideas wouldn’t be strong enough, my thinking would not be clear enough, and that my writing over all would not be good enough. In the beginning of the semester, I was stuck in a fixed mindset with low confidence, and struggled to see how I would be able to grow.
Self-growth implies the personal improvement of an individual. Focusing on yourself is not always selfish, particularly when it is in the form of self-improvement. Improving on yourself, and recognizing the places where you can grow, is not something everyone finds easy to do. At times it comes with unwanted and unnecessary harsh criticism from yourself, which can be difficult to avoid, and can be destructive to the process. Self-growth does not have to be based on solely what could be improved. Seeing the positive aspects and recognizing the areas in which are already good is a way to encourage yourself to keep going and grow from those seeds. I think that constructive criticism and encouragement is more effective in boosting confidence.
In the beginning of the semester, my confidence was at a minimum. I was not sure that my thoughts or ideas would be solid enough to share to such a large group of people who I barely knew. In the beginning of class, sometimes there were a couple minutes where Dr. McCoy asked us simple questions to make start thinking the thinking process. Once I began to participate in those simple tasks, I began to feel confident in those that were more complicated. What also helped was that I was able to get to know the people I was sharing my ideas with, and I realized that how accepting and nonjudgmental they were. The feedback that I would receive from them also reflected this: my peers were constructive, but never demeaning. My professor was similar in that whenever I received feedback from her, it was always clear what I needed to do for the following attempt, and always included words of encouragement that made me feel like I could achieve what she expected from me next. My first blog post was on a simple topic, paratext. I wanted to start with a topic that I felt like I understood because I was afraid of being wrong. Despite my strategy to stay simple, I still did not do as well as I had hoped I would. However, I did receive encouragement from my professor which built my confidence in that she believed I could improve. In my next blog post, I was more comfortable writing about a slightly more abstract idea involving art and portraits, and the idea of whether or not they are being watched, which I connected to Vlepo in Frenzy and his ability to see other people’s thoughts. After taking a different angle and writing about a more abstract idea rather than something safe, I saw my grade improve.
In another class that I had this semester I received the opposite encouragement. The feedback I collect from that class is only focused on what needs improvement and neglects to acknowledge the accomplishment of the strong points in my assignments. To me, it did not feel constructive, it just felt like criticism, and it made me want to stop trying because it seemed like no matter what I did, I was always doing something wrong. In this English class I have felt myself grow as a writer, and have not felt like I am stuck in a spot where I inevitably cannot succeed. My confidence has increased in that I am not afraid to be heard in this setting and classroom on the topics at hand or my personal opinions. I think that getting to know the peers in the classroom or group, having an open mind, and being able to handle constructive criticism is an acceptable way to increase confidence levels.
Another way in which I have increased my confidence in writing, is improving my ability to think more clearly. In the beginning of the semester, there were stresses and pressures that made my thoughts unorganized and vague. One aspect of the class that helped me with this were the short worksheets that asked simple questions to start the thinking process. These helped me to slow down my thoughts so that I could formulate more specific ideas and have a better understanding of my own thinking. With my thoughts laid out in an organized manner, it was easier for me to realize what I needed to expand on or branch out from. By the third blog post, I felt comfortable and organized enough to bring my personal outside experiences into comparison. My third post was about a seminar I went to about mental health, and I was able to organize my thoughts in a way that I could connect it to the character Vlepo from the novel Frenzy we read for class. Being organized enough to make these connections not only increased my confidence in my ability to write about it, but made me realize how interdisciplinary the academic world is. Similarly, for my fourth blog post, I was able to strengthen my argument by implementing aspects of my other major to create a piece that was thoughtful and related to the class, but also backed up with evidence from another source.
Our discussions as groups helped me form ideas for the blog post project, as well as those for our first and second essay attempts. The second attempt at the essay, or the essay rewrite, allowed me a chance to regather my thoughts and choose a more specific idea. In choosing a clearer topic, I was able to create a stronger argument that was easier to follow than my first attempt where my thoughts were more scattered and unorganized. The rewrite helped me to realize that it is okay to have an unsuccessful first attempt, similar to my first blog post. I allowed myself to take a step back and regather my thoughts in a way that I could even better understand, which assured me that I could write a paper that successfully explained all of my ideas. I felt much more confident after I finished my rewrite than I did after my first attempt. The process was made easier with the help of small groups and the class as a whole when hearing about different ideas and receiving feedback on my own. Not only was the constructive criticism helpful, but the validation and interest in my chosen topic made me feel secure in my decision, and the stress of writing about something I wasn’t sure was good enough went, making it easier to write.
Bouncing ideas off of each other called for a more active way of thinking and created more in depth discussions that produced well thought out answers to questions, or even theories to answers. For example, one of the blog posts was done as a group. At first I thought that it would be difficult to write together because everyone has their own way of thinking. Instead, our discussion of the topic helped me to gain additional insight and as a group we were able to create a piece that was well researched and thoughtful. Thinking alone can enforce a closed mindset and it can be discouraging not knowing if other people are struggling with the same concepts. In a group, a fixed mindset has potential to expand as you listen to and absorb other people’s points of view. Sometimes it takes struggling and working through tasks together to feel confident enough to take on a challenge.
One of these challenges this semester was the blog post project that I have been alluding to throughout. Doing the project gave me a chance to have a voice in my writing without having to worry about formality. What I have learned is that the more I am interested in the topic I am writing about, the better I feel about the post in terms of my voice and my writing. Writing about paratext was boring to me, but my other posts about travel and ignorance, the concept of ecstasy, poverty, history, and artificial intelligence I found comfortably fascinating and did my best writing for. At times I knew I wanted to write about those topic, but was having a hard time connecting them to the class, but thanks to the concept of interdisciplinarity, I was able to always find a way.
Although now at the end of the semester, I am no longer an English major, I am glad I had this opportunity to strengthen my confidence in my writing. Writing takes practice, and I have found that the more I write, the more comfortable and confident I become. My mindset has grown and I see that improvement is always an option. Reflective writing can be difficult as constructive criticism and assessments usually come from outside sources, but I think that realizing where you have grown is important in building and maintaining self-confidence. I believe that the better light you see yourself in, the better you, a small piece of the large world, will feel.