You may be currently asking yourself questions such as: who owns godly pants? What do godly pants even look like? Why exactly are these godly pants suspicious? Are godly pants even capable of being suspicious? Or maybe even why is this weirdo so concerned with suspicious godly pants?
I am focusing specifically on the suspicious godly pants of the Greek King of Gods himself: Zeus. For the sake of this blog post, we are imagining that Zeus wore the suspicious khaki pants below, courtesy of “You Had One Job” who can be found on Twitter.
Using the above mentioned suspicious pants, I will attempt to show the reader of this blog post that Zeus is the most irresponsible god ever to exist in Greek mythology. As earlier stated, let’s pretend that the Greek gods wore modern day khaki pants and that this pair in particular is owned by the most powerful god of them all. According to “12 Well-Known Gods of Greek Myth” by Stacy Juba, Zeus is not only the most famous god but also known as the “the arbiter of justice”. This is interesting because it seems as though Zeus can never keep his pants on around women other than his wife, Hera and has the judgement of an infant. These pants, had Zeus actually worn them, probably would’ve been taken off moments before Zeus decided to have an affair with a likely mortal woman.
Zeus has now become notorious in Greek mythology for his many mortal affairs. His affairs also were rather creepy, he was often shape shifting in order to either attract the mortal or capture them. Depending on which story one reads, the sexual acts that Zeus has with that individual may or may not include consent, making him truly evil and lacking judgement. For example, Zeus saw a mortal woman on the ground; he then turned into an eagle and proceeded to swoop down to grab the woman. Whilst grabbing the woman, Zeus found out she was actually a boy but then stole him anyways. Zeus apologized to the boy’s father, gifting him horses and then telling him “his son would now be immortal and serve as a cupbearer for the gods, as well as a lover for him” (GreekMythology.com). I don’t care how many horses the father received, I think he would rather not have his son be used as a sex slave for a god.
Within “Frenzy” by Percival Everett, Zeus was guilty of another sexual affair with a mortal. This occasion lead to significant turmoil and many deaths, all because Zeus couldn’t keep his pants on. In this story Zeus approached Semele, again not in his regular form. Rather, a form not only fit for her mortal eyes, but also a form that her own brain had created. Essentially Semele dreamt of her dream man and Zeus just popped up looking exactly like him, so how could Semele say no? Anyways, Zeus did what Zeus does and had sex with Semele. This inevitably lead to Semele getting pregnant because Zeus didn’t really have the judgment to not impregnate random women. Hera, after learning about Zeus’s affair, had set a plan in motion for Zeus to accidentally kill Semele. Disguised as an old woman Hera told Semele that “Your lover has seen you completely, as your actual and true self, in your complete splendor. Do you deserve less?” (Everett 14). Hera told Semele this knowing that Zeus’s true form would be too much to handle, inevitably killing her and that is precisely what happened. Even though Semele died, all so Zeus could have a random hookup, their son Dionysos was born. The tragic story of Dionysos lead to peoples’ lives being ruined and many deaths. Everett’s “Frenzy” is just another one of Zeus’s many stories where he creates chaos with his sexual drive and lack of judgement.
Another example of Zeus being a crazy sex fiend can be found in the movie “Clash of the Titans”, where he sex with another woman who isn’t his wife. In one story with multiple iterations Zeus disguises himself as a swan and once the woman get close to the swan he proceeds with having sex or raping the woman depending on the version of the story. There are many other instances but these stories all send the same basic message that he is disloyal to Hera and a rather disgusting being.
The many Greek myths, comedies, and tragedies about Zeus’s affairs are all showing a consistent narrative that Zeus is a phony for acting all high and mighty. In actuality Zeus has immense physical power, but he has a primal way about him where he takes what he wants and knows no repercussions. The way his suspicious pants look back at him is as if he had just thrown them lazily over a chair before committing some idiotic sexual act with someone other than his wife. The pants in a way are suspicious and disappointed that a god with such might and such diplomatic power within Olympus, would be such a careless savage.