12/1/18.
Today marked my last China Night.
China Night is the biggest event for the Chinese Culture Club at Geneseo (CCCG). It is the night where we, as a club, put on a performance to inform the Geneseo community about Chinese culture. I have participated in this event as a backstage manager since my freshman year here at Geneseo. Tonight, this magical part of my life has finally come to an end. As I took my final bow on stage, I realized that my time in Geneseo is almost over. As a senior, I only have a semester left before I graduate. Everything eventually comes to an end, that much is true. To see it happen before my own eyes, though, it feels so surreal. On one hand, I’m ecstatic that I am almost finished with the current school year. On the other hand, I’m scared to say goodbye to the life I have created here in Geneseo. These conflicting feelings continue to grow with each passing day. Whether it’s a coping mechanism or just plain ignorance, I haven’t been able to accept this fact even as I now pack my China Night equipment away.
I will be passing on my legacy to the club through videos, final group pictures, and underclassmen. I can’t help but feel a sense of nostalgia take over me. Even when preparing to write my reflective essay, these emotions are starting to surface, and I’m honestly a bit scared. I think I’m afraid because I know that if I even attempt my reflective essay, I’ll finally have to come to terms with the fact that I’m growing up. Sometimes I wish I could just live in Neverland, like Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. To never fear growing up and disappointing my younger self, now that’s an enticing thought. However, like Peter Pan, that existence is just a fantasy. I still have my whole life ahead of me and another semester to enjoy before my departure. If I let my fear take over me and prevent me from succeeding, how could that ever benefit me? I ask this question every time I self-sabotage myself.
Maybe it’s because I keep doing it to myself. Maybe this is just a twisted way for my heart to protect itself. However, I know it is not healthy and I hope that, with the time that’s left in this semester and the next, I can guide my heart onto the right path. There’s only one way forward and that is accepting life as how it truly is – unpredictable but full of opportunity.