“Thank you,” I said. “I came back to this place to find something, to connect with something lost, to reunite if not with my whole self, then with a piece of it. What I’ve discovered is that this thing is not here. In fact, it is nowhere. I have learned that my name is not my name. It seems you all know me and nothing could be further from the truth and yet you know me better than I know myself, perhaps better than I can know myself. My mother is buried not far from this auditorium, and there are no words on her headstone. As I glance out now, as I feel the weight of this trophy in my hands, as I stand like a specimen before these strangely unstrange faces, I know finally what should be written on that stone. It should say what mine will say:
I AM NOT MYSELF TODAY.”
— Percival Everett
When one reads this passage, they can feel a number of things. They can find it relatable, or quite the opposite and have no idea what Percival Everett is saying because how are you not yourself today? There’s that saying, you can be in a room full of people but still feel lonely and I believe that’s important to mention because of how that applies to this passage and I feel it also applies to Pentheus in Frenzy on pages fifty-one and fifty-two. I know what you’re thinking, Pentheus is this super strong king who shouldn’t feel like he doesn’t know what he’s doing so how will this be relevant? However, we see this take place when he’s having a conversation with Dionysos. It’s important to mention the setting while discussing this part of Frezy, because we see Pentheus almost let his guard down and have a real moment, not one that’s covered by sarcasm and where he’s trying to be “kingly” and show off his power. Pentheus is most likely in his quarters, feeling worked up from the conversation he had with Kadmos, his grandfather and essentially, we see him doubting himself. Dionysos is there, of course, to taunt Pentheus about what he’s feeling.
“‘You feel pain?’ Dionysos asked. “Does this power weigh you down? Or is it in your blood.” And there it is, the bait that Dionysos is throwing to Pentheus because he almost wants to see the king crumble, to waver even in the slightest, and to believe like Percival Everett said, “It seems you all know me and nothing could be further from the truth and yet you know me better than I know myself, perhaps better than I can know myself.”
“My grandfather believes I am a puppet,” Pentheus admits and here we have this powerful being, the king who has fought battles and everything imaginable, questioning himself because someone that he’s close to is doubting him. “I did not ask to be king,” he continues and that’s his title, his brand that makes him who he is, so far up in power that he almost can’t be touched-his name. Dionysos is still there, and when I read this, I picture him lounging on a couch, utterly delighted that Pentheus is shaken up as he paces the floor, and he asks him twice, “And what do you believe?”
Pentheus stops for a moment, gathers himself, remembers who he is-just how important he is, and crosses the room to sit himself back in his chair, “I believe that I am king.” As king, he has a following, people that love him, hate him, tolerate him-regardless he’s has a platform and after that very brief identity crisis he remembers them, remembers that he has a job to perform and it seems that Dionysos is not phased with Pentheus’s bounce back to reality. “How goes it out in the wild?” Pentheus asked and it almost seems random because they were just talking about something important and Dionysos portrays what we’re feeling when reading this. He loudly sighs and drifts his eyes to the ceiling, lazily asking, “And what does that mean?”
Percival Everett ends his passage by saying, “As I glance out now, as I feel the weight of this trophy in my hands, as I stand like a specimen before these strangely unstrange faces, I know finally what should be written on that stone. It should say what mine will say: I AM NOT MYSELF TODAY.” I really enjoy that this is how it ends, because Everett is coming to terms with not only his mother’s headstone but also how he genuinely feels. To me, I feel like there should be something else at the end of the sentence, maybe more context but when you take a step back and really look at it, you realize that it’s enough like that. And we can apply this same thinking to how the conversation between Pentheus and Dionysos ends.
“The god clapped his hands together as if to capture a fly he aimed to do no harm. ‘It’s-wild.’” I felt it important to focus my attention to this seemingly brief conversation between two people, because when one begins to unpack and visualize this conversation happening-it’s more than just a passing encounter. In the very beginning Pentheus is doubting himself, pacing the floor because he doesn’t like feeling this way, vulnerable, under the heel of his grandfather and by the end he’s found himself again, slinking back into his seat and he’s relieved. Of course, he is, because that shaken up boy is not who he is, and yet it’s so important that he had that moment. I believe that Percival Everett’s passage of not knowing who he is strongly applies to Pentheus in this moment, letting us feel him out as a character and are able to know that he’s not just a power fueled king.