Personal growth can take several different forms in both different people and different situations. This semester, I was forced to make several changes in both my attitude, as well as my habits in order to be successful. I will admit however, that my changes were a bit late, and therefore did not take full effect until well, now.
Prior to coming to Geneseo, I’d been told by teachers and students alike that I should take AP and Honors courses to prepare for college classes; and so, like all of my friends, I did. I whizzed through the monthly papers in my classes and skated past any sort of real growth, tossing papers aside when I received my 90, even after I’d written it the night before. It was easy. It weakened my work ethic because, I knew that even with minimal effort I would still get better results than a lot of my peers. We were a relatively talented class, our class average upon graduation was an 89.9%, and a lot of us were able to skate by on pure skill. Not a single person ever told me in high school that this would not fly in college. But honestly, even if they had, it takes a long time to break a habit like that. Even in elementary school teachers would use words like, “gifted” or “talented” and so I just thought I was smarter than everyone. Then as we got older, they still kept us “gifted” kids separated from the others, which only led to strengthening our sense of superiority. Now, I’m beginning to realize just how stupid that really is, we were never any better than those kids that didn’t take our fancy classes, most of us just had parents that worked in the school, or in my case, an overbearing mother with a poli-sci degree that she never did anything with and she’d be damned if her child didn’t rise up. Prior to this course, I’d been conditioned to follow specific outlines and think that all that mattered was my grade. However, even early on in the semester, it was clear that the most important thing about this class was not the grade, but the process of thinkING and the way in which we were able to open mindedly and respectfully converse with one another and translate that into our own writing.
In this course we talked a lot about the things we were reading and why we were reading them and all sorts of how/why and both/and theories and explanations. Which I had fun exploring during a few of my blog posts, especially one I wrote about Percival Everett’s Body, in which I discussed the connections between sex and science that I interpreted within the poems. Similarly, I discussed the concept of gaslighting as both a coping mechanism and a form of abuse by connecting Not Sidney’s fesmerization and how it’s a form of abuse that he uses as a coping mechanism. These two posts were two of my attempts at trying to comprehend the concepts being explained to us in class. The in-class discussions were incredibly interesting to me and I often had useful things to contribute. However, when the time came to sit down and write my paper, I just couldn’t find it in me. There were no words, no thoughts, nothing that seemed valuable. I felt that somehow I just didn’t have all the information and insight that other students had. I had read the texts and participated in discussions but I just didn’t feel that my thoughts were deep enough. All of my peers were zooming along with their papers and blog posts and I was lost and confused and overwhelmed. I’d start a blog post but then lose direction and not know where to take it so it would sit in my drafts for months. This continued until half-finished blog posts accumulated right alongside my anxiety. I had trouble asking for help because I had trouble admitting that I couldn’t handle it on my own. For me, it felt like the entire semester was one step forward and then two steps back. I’d work really hard on one assignment and then do terrible on another. I couldn’t find a balance. I was working against myself.
All throughout high school, I worked for grades to make myself more marketable to colleges. I’d stay up till all hours of the night writing papers about books I’d hated and studying for tests to ensure I kept that 90. This lead to me developing a very fixed mindset and because of that, my first semester of college hit me like a truck. The video we had watched in class about the fixed mindsets vs. the growth mindsets became relevant for me. Luckily, I was able to turn it into a blog post about the ways in which I recognized the harm that my mindset was causing for both my mental health but also my grades. I explored the ways in which I had developed this mindset and allowed the process of writing my blog posts to help me begin to resolve these issues. I found the blog post assignment to be very helpful in aiding my growth throughout the semester. Through the assignment, I was able to pinpoint several issues that I was experiencing and work through them in a creative way. For example, recognizing and beginning to tackle my issues with time management, I was able to realize why I had so much trouble starting assignments until I absolutely had to, until I was looking for blog post material and found ways to make it impossible to do so. Writing about these issues and working through them in that way, while late, led to a huge amount of growth. So much so that as I write this paper, I am relaxed and have more than enough time to complete it because I treated it as a priority and tackled it in pieces.
Another way in which the blog posts helped me to evolve was helping me to write for a purpose, meaning writing to establish a connection and the how and why of the connection. One of the most entertaining connections I made was between the maenads of The Bacchae and myself. I compared the overwhelmed daze of the maenads and their drunken escapades to my similar overwhelmed daze of assignments and adjustments. Dr. Beth commented on this post, making the point that if I myself hadn’t gotten lost in the daze, I probably would have been able to deepen my point. This comment really struck me because it was the truth, if I’d spent less time stressing about how I “couldn’t” write the blog posts, I probably could have done a much better job. However, continuing to write the posts helped me in several valuable things, especially when writing our group blog posts. For me, collaborating was incredibly helpful not only in developing my ideas but in motivating myself to be present, on-task, and in good spirits because my entire group was counting on me. The evaluation sheets we filled out at the end of most classes, were really interesting to me. We’d spend an entire class period, guided by Dr. McCoy, chatting about books and quotes and connections and deeper meanings and somehow, it would all come together when I filled out those sheets. I was able to recognize the contributions made not only by me but also by my peers. I think this is something that I could potentially take with me into my future english courses by using it to evaluate myself and realize that even on days I feel lost, myself or someone else is always contributing something important, or at the very least, interesting.
Before this course, I had never heard of Percival Everett, my advisor at orientation told me I needed the class, so she put me in it. After a few google searches, I realized that he was an author, a kind of obscure one, in my opinion. Over the semester, as we delved into several of his works, I came to appreciate him. Especially when we read re: f(gesture), which is a book of poetry. I’ve always loved poetry, writing it, reading it, etc, when reading Everett’s poems, I was intrigued. While reading Body, I thought more of the ways people have different backgrounds. I shared the poems with a friend of mine, as was able to make a connection between disciplines and backgrounds and the way we comprehend literature. This for me, while the actual blog post, was not my strongest, was a big moment for me. It was sort of a “click” moment. I realized finally, what all the talk about interdisciplinarity meant and why it was important. Another thing, that strengthened my appreciation for Percival Everett, was his poem titled 6 that is about the number 7. The poem says, “Men gone, but not seven. Seven men lost, but not seven. Seven is, will be. All men will die but not seven.” (70). I found his theory of how one could never truly destroy “7” the number, or the concept, even though you could destroy 7 of potentially anything Very interesting. 7 Men, in Everett’s case. While I entered the course not knowing who Everett was, I left with a much better understanding and a mind that was open to spending more time interpreting things that seem simple.
While for me, this semester was tough, I think I did make a lot of progress. Not even necessarily with just my writing, even though that was evident. But, emotionally. My first blog post was written in an overwhelmed, confused panic about what the heck I was doing here and how to know what I needed to do. However, over the course of the semester, I grew more confident, and more motivated. I recognized my flaws and am working to improve on them in order to feel better about my work, and my abilities. The last blog post that I posted, in contrast to my first, was about something I appreciate about myself. This semester, this course especially, was an integral part of starting what I hope will be a successful time here at Geneseo. This was not my strongest semester, but it was definitely an important one. I appreciate the time and the revelations that I have experienced during the past 12 weeks and am excited to use them going forward. Who knew an English course could prompt a lifestyle change?